HARD CONVERSATIONS AND WHY WE NEED THEM

“We need to talk” it’s probably the scariest four words you will ever receive from your partner. Whenever Sterling used to text me those words (he hardly would), I used to think he was breaking up with me, lol.

I would be like, “oh oh what have I done now?”. In the early stages of our relationship, I never used to respond when we had hard conversations; I was the reactor. Not only did I react, but I also used to confront. This was because I was ‘the independent girl’ who used to get everything she wanted. What I said goes… well, that’s how I believed life was meant to go. Unfortunately, Sterling held up a mirror to me and reminded me that hard conversations do not have to end as an argument. Challenging discussions do not have to be negative.

“Communication is key” — I heard this so much throughout my relationship but didn’t realise its importance until it came to wedding planning. Wedding planning shakes things up, and not only do you need to sharpen your communication skills, but the deeper you get into your relationship, the more you realise that there is a huge difference between speaking AT someone and speaking with someone. You have to learn the way your partner communicates, and you also have to know how they wish to be communicated too. Not everyone communicates the same sometimes, I need moments when I need to rant, and all I need Sterling to do is say “omg, babe, how can they do that?” I don’t even need a hug or comfort — I need his support, lol.

Sometimes Sterling doesn’t need my support, nor does he need my feedback — most times, he wants me to listen carefully and reply, saying, “I am so sorry that’s happened, babe; how can I help?”. Even though I have known Sterling for six years, nothing has sharpened our communication like our relationship. The level of communication we needed when we were friends does not compare to the level of communication we need as we prepare to spend the rest of our lives together.

Sterling being my best friend helped so much in our communication, but it also hindered how I would communicate to him. How do you express any sexual frustrations (just because we are celibate doesn’t mean we don’t experience this lol) or any trauma or any issues you’re having within your relationship to the person who might be contributing to it lol? it is quite hard.

In my household, I often learned to bite my tongue if something was bothering me and because I learned to bite my tongue, at the time when I had to communicate anything.. usually, it came out in anger/rage. Being in a relationship has taught me the art of being able to communicate in love. Sharing a hard truth does not have to be harsh and does not have to be mean! The truth can be expressed in love. This doesn’t make it any less hurtful, it just allows the person to know even though the truth hurts, I have your best interest at heart. I think many of us don’t find it hard to hear the truth, I think many of us find it hard to believe the person telling us the truth has our best interest at heart.

We must learn the art of conversation is not in what you say but in how you say it. I always bullet point what I want to say in my notes with no filter, which means I get as raw as I want. After doing so, I process and then I go back in and find a better way of communicating my points. Most times, when I write down my points (because they’re raw), it could be very harsh and if I deliver them that way, the damage will be caused, but having the opportunity to let it out, allows me to process still any emotions I have but have the time to implement wisdom on how I deliver the things I want to say.

I think many relationships break down because of one thing, communication. The number of couples I know who have shared their marriage/relationship broke down because they didn’t communicate — it’s heartbreaking to hear sometimes, but.. it’s essential to remember that if you do not learn to communicate, and do not learn the style your partner wants to be communicated too.. and they do not learn how you want to be communicated to.. it all becomes a sinking ship.

Conversations do not get easier as you get older, but they mature, becoming more rational and less emotional. May we all learn to have the hard, rational conversations not because we want to but because we need too.

We need to be able to look at certain situations and ask ourselves these questions

Can my partner handle what I am about to say?

Can I handle what my partner is saying right now?

Is this a good time for them to hear this?

Is this a good time for me to hear this?

Timing is everything and it’s important we are able to know where we currently stand emotionally and where our partners stand emotionally before we end up walking into war zones. Wisdom is ALWAYS key when it comes to hard conversations.

Not only do our relationships get saved, but so does wider society because so many issues in our community stem from the idea of not being able to communicate.

Learn to communicate, it’ll probably save your life and save your relationship.

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