FROM MR RECORD HIMSELF.. HOW DID I KNOW I WAS READY TO MAKE HAYLEY MY WIFE?
First of all, I just want to shout out to my amazing fiancée for letting me share this on her blog. As a disclaimer, I’m not afraid to keep things REAL, so I apologise in advance if things are too vulnerable for you. Hopefully, you’ll get some insight into my thought processes, our journey from my side and what really switched her in my eyes from best friend to wife
Before we get into the juicy stuff, it’s only fitting that I give you some of a backstory. I slid into Hayley’s D.M.’s on Twitter around 6 years ago, but we only started dating 2 years ago. At least once a year, one of us would bring up the famous topic ‘What if we got together?’ until it finally happened one year, 2020. She was that female best friend that everyone told me to consider dating. If I’m being honest, every girl I ever took seriously while knowing Hayley, at some point, has asked me if I liked her. They told me that Hayley and I should be together (While I was even with them!)
I didn’t understand it in my younger years; there was clearly something about me that was giving off a vibe that I’ll never love a girl like I loved Hayley.
They were right.
*TRIGGER WARNING — SEXUAL ASSAULT*
A year or two into our friendship, I went through a crazy situation where one of my dad’s best friends tried to sexually assault me. Thankfully, I managed to escape that situation without any physical abuse. The only person I felt I could call was Hayley, and I did. I trusted her more than any female in my life, and she really did have a special place in my heart.
I was in a relationship a little before Hayley, and I got together; you could say it was serious. I distanced myself from Hayley intentionally because I was in a relationship. I think I even blocked her on some social platforms because I didn’t want another girl to start asking about Hayley… AGAIN.
I’ll never forget the day I walked into my ex-girlfriend’s house, and her hands were on the kitchen counter. Her skin was pale, and her facial expression was as if she had lost a family member. She said “Sterling, we need to talk,” and believe it or not, guess whose name she brought up???
Just guess.. I’ll give you some time………………….. HAYLEY!
She told me that she heard voices in her head (I kid you not) saying that I should be with someone like Hayley. I said, WHAT?? HAYLEY??. “Yes, Hayley”, She replied.
Anyway, I leave the house because I need to get some work done at a friend’s house. I knock on the door and wait for someone to come and open it; guess who came to open it?? No, seriously, guess. Of course, it was Hayley.
I remember she tried hugging me and saying hello, and I thoroughly brushed her off. Even when she was blocked, I couldn’t believe that somehow she still managed to interfere with my relationship, and now she’s at the front door??? What a crazy day, but I hope this gives you some context for what I am about to share.
Hayley always respected my relationships, so it was definitely a me problem.
You would think after this point, I’d just go to Hayley’s house with a ring, get down on one knee and let that be it. Still, I HATED the idea of the person I was going to marry being out of my control; If that makes any sense?
At some points, I genuinely felt like life (or God) was trying to force me to be with Hayley by others saying no or rejecting me. I didn’t want to be with Hayley because other people said so, but I wanted to accept it for myself first. So I started to evaluate what I wanted my life partner to be like (Not with Hayley in mind, just objectively).
I wanted someone
-who I was attracted to
-someone who would really ride for me
-someone who was on the same page as me with Christian faith and someone who would be willing to grow with me as we become better versions of ourselves.
Oh yeah, and she 100% had to be a black woman, the light-skinned phase ended for me, and I wanted to build with a melanated black queen.
So I’d look at the list, then I’d look at Hayley, then I’d look at the list, then I’d look back at Hayley. I finally realised, “oh snap”, she fits this based on what I’ve seen of her as a friend; it could potentially work in a relationship. Luckily enough for me, the time of year had come around where we asked the question, ‘What if we got together?’ After speaking to one of her pastors at the time, I was pretty sure I wanted to try us out.
Could what we have as friends work in a relationship? I wanted to find out. If it didn’t work out, we would probably lose each other as friends, but you know what they say high risk.. high reward, lol.
IT HAS BEEN WORTH THE RISK.
The start of our relationship was interesting. We were best friends in a relationship, and that’s about it. She hadn’t yet crossed over to wifey in my head. If I’m being honest, I was still testing her… Now we were in a relationship, I would give her the unfiltered, RAW and REAL version of myself with nothing held back. Every secret I could think of was now out in the open to see if she was still that ‘ride or die, and she was.
Another test was, can she be sexy? Hayley was quite guarded in her femininity, and I always saw her tom-boy side, so I never really got to see a ‘sexy side’ when we were friends because she was my bestie. She was always wearing baggy clothes, so you couldn’t really see her body. I never really knew what she had (If you know what I mean) — p.s. I am so happy she concealed that, all mine now lol!
I wanted to see a different side: her femininity and her sex appeal.
Even though we are celibate — I still wanted to see how I felt about it while keeping to my Christian values. She passed that test too, it turns out she a freak, and our wedding day is going to be a very exciting one ;). She passed every test I threw at her; she calmed every concern I had with her amazing character.
After all the testing was done, I kept getting asked by people “so when are you going to propose??? What’s the plan??”
and I just kept saying “soon” or “this year”, “in a few months “it’s coming soon, don’t worry.”
When really, I hadn’t even got the ring sorted yet.
I’ll be honest, after I realised she was good enough for me, the thought that stopped me in my tracks was ‘Am I good enough for her?’.
My parents didn’t marry, and my grandparents got divorced.
What If I’m the same as the men in my family tree?
What if I can’t be everything she needs me to be?
Those questions made me afraid to commit for a while, and I think that’s where many men get stuck. You’ve found something great, and now you wonder, am I even capable of that next level? Thankfully I wasn’t willing to stop there and started prayerfully investigating these thoughts and fears. I would ask myself questions like; Does Hayley make you feel good enough? Do you treat her well? Do trusted voices around you think you’re doing well? And so many more questions, which the answers concluded as yes. This meant my fear was irrational.
There was no evidence to suggest things would go wrong. ZERO. I separated myself from the fear and realised actually, this isn’t me, and it doesn’t have to be my future, so it’s got nothing to do with me. For the next couple of months, I spent a lot of time solidifying this truth in my mind. I’m a great boyfriend, AND I will be a great fiancé and husband, a great parent and grandparent, and a great life partner to Hayley. A few months went by, and I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “Ok, Sterling, now what are you waiting for?” I had no answer; I realised I was ready. Within a couple of weeks of that date, the ring was being made. Shortly after is the beautiful engagement video that many of you had seen.
CLICK TO SEE OUR ENGAGEMENT VIDEO
For me, so much of the journey to this point was internal, and many men are the same. We hear you saying things like, ‘So when are we going to get engaged?’ and we let it go over our heads because the idea of commitment can be terrifying. Not that they don’t love you, but maybe they don’t know if they’re man enough to really commit. A lifetime is a long time. To any man or woman who may be experiencing that same fear that stops you from commitment… Here’s my advice, separate yourself from the fear and look at yourself based on what’s really you. Ask yourself the hard questions about love, commitment, and relationships and don’t lie to yourself with those answers. Remember anything you don’t like; you have the power to change and make positive.
If you don’t have the strength to do that, ask people you trust. Let them hold up a mirror to you to see your own reflection. If you’re anything like me, you’ll realise you’re not as bad as you thought you were, and if things work out the opposite way, this is your chance to change things.
You are in the driver’s seat of your own life, and only you get to determine the person you become.
I’m sure you’ll hear more from me on these blogs at some point, but for now, I pray this blog has helped someone, and I wish you guys all the best.
P.S. SHARE THIS AMAZING BLOG, NOT JUST BECAUSE IT’S AMAZING, BUT HAYLEY IS AMAZING xx
