CELIBACY : THE HONEST TRUTH
Whenever I tell people that we’ve never kissed before people always get shocked, they always ask “HOW?”
This is my honest truth.. I explain my thought process and reasons behind my journey of celibacy but If you think this post will only be about celibacy, then you’re wrong..This is about discipline and boundaries.
I have had people give me some sort of side eye as if something was wrong with me or something was wrong with him, whenever I say we haven’t kissed or we haven’t had sex. It’s not that anything is wrong, trust me I wish I could just grab my babes but we have principles and we have agreed to follow them. There has actually been quite a few times we have nearly kissed, and it’s not even that we are waiting to kiss at the altar, we have just come this far without kissing, we will know when it’s the right time too and it’ll probably be closer to our wedding date.
Can I just add.. for anyone who comes across this and does believe in sex before marriage.. DO YOU. This post is not to say what I am doing is right, this is what I believe works for me, it may not be everyone’s cup of tea. A lot of people think because I am Christian, when someone does something I may not personally do, it could come across that I think it’s wrong or I will judge them for it..I believe we all have our own paths to follow and our own convictions. I just hope this will give you more of an insight into my world and how I navigate this journey.
Also, I just want to say it is NEVER too late to start your celibacy journey, please do not compare your experience with mine. It’s not that I am navigating this the right way, I am navigating this what’s best for me. Celibacy is personal to you and I just hope you’ll remember that as you read through
So when Sterling and I first got together, sex before marriage wasn’t up for discussion.. we both wanted to stand by our faith and our convictions. It is hard sometimes to follow this because we live in a time where the norm is to be having sex especially if you’re engaged. A lot of my friends are still shocked that we haven’t had sex yet. It’s such a big thing to some people, but to us, we are so over it.
How do you even go about explaining to someone that you’re celibate?
Celibacy is quite a private matter. Unfortunately it is something that many people are ashamed to talk about but celibacy is a beautiful journey, even though I don’t know my fiancé sexually, I know him emotionally. I know him spiritually. Just by the tone of his voice, I can tell if he’s tired or frustrated, or annoyed.. All that energy I know I could be using to be sexual with him, I am now using it to be one with him through our minds, soul and emotions.
Celibacy has helped me look at our situations very black and white, because there is no sexual attachment involved I am able to make rational decisions when it comes to our relationship and also because we don’t mask our issues through sex, we are able to face them directly. Our decision to get married was very conscious and very sober —having sex out of the way made me look at my fiancé and think.. Do I really want to marry you? Do I actually see myself having children with you? Do I want to build with you? Grow old with you? and all of these decisions were thought through properly and were not clouded by how he blows out my back or how loud he makes me scream.. (I can’t wait though, I can’t even lie)
One thing I have learned about Celibacy is that is has to be rooted in a personal conviction and not the opinions of others. Your personal convictions should always be stronger than what others think and what others can say. I do believe that we live for an audience of one which is God himself, his opinion matters and that is the most important opinion.
If I am being honest with you, I haven’t kissed anyone for six years and I have never had sexual intercourse with a man before. This doesn’t mean I don’t have a sexual past, but that’s a story for another day. My lack of experience sexually scared me for a while, being celibate at one point was rooted in fear and not even because I felt it was something I believed in. I was scared to open up myself to someone and to feel I would look a fool or that I am doing things wrong.. that fear has taken me to this place. Just because I was celibate doesn’t mean the foundation was always healthy.
You need a strong why and my why came from Eric Thomas in 2018. Everyone will have different reasons to being celibate and other than my faith, this is mine and it still grounds me till this day.
I remember going to a Eric Thomas conference talking about how important it is to be integral and how he goes on stage speaking to millions of people around the world and he can happily say there is no woman in the crowd who can boast or joke about the fact that they had sex with him or done anything freaky with him, because that is reserved for his wife. THIS TOUCHED ME DEEPLY.
Being exposed to that made me think on a deeper level, it made me think about my platform and what would I want it to be associated with? I would hate the idea of me going on stage and while I am speaking someone in the crowd is joking around saying they know someone who had sex with me or they had done sexual things with me themselves.
Sex is so intimate, it’s so private and it shouldn’t be handed to just anyone. Sex should always be founded on trust, and trust is never given. It is earned.
For me, something I am always thinking about is my brand and being integral to my brand — I don’t want to preach a life that I do not live and I also would never want anyone who is not my husband to be having the authority to share sexual things about me.
There is no man who has earned my trust, other than Sterling of course. There is no man other than him who has made me feel safe enough to even want to share my body with them. I trust him so much that I want to give him all of me, but first before I give him myself sexually, let me first commit to giving myself emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
This man has my mind, my soul and my heart in his hands, when it’s time for us to connect, it’ll be deep because when we do have our first time.. on our wedding day, this will be something so much deeper than sex. It will be love. This is what I am building for, that very moment of intimacy that goes deeper than what sex has to offer. Sex seems to be an experience but making love seems to be a journey, a journey I want to commit to for the rest of my life, but before I go on that journey, I need to heal and I need to let him in emotionally first.
Celibacy for me always has be rooted in healing, self worth and your personal convictions
how holy do you see your yourself?
how much value do you put on yourself?
Are you trying to fill a void or trying to mask something you know you need to face?
Why do you want to be sexual with someone? what does it do for you?
Are you giving yourself away for the sake of trying to build someone? or build something?
Many of us let people in to our most intimate space because we have a void that we are looking to fill. If we spent as much time trying to fill that void with our own healing, we wouldn’t even have the time to entertain anyone that does not deserve our body.
Now that I have shared the emotional processing behind my celibacy, I can share the physical boundaries we have put in place.
Sterling and I are pretty open about when we may feel horny or frisky. We communicate openly and honestly. We have a number system and if the number system is too high, we won’t see each other privately. For a while, Sterling and I could only be in public places because we knew if we were in a private place alone, things could go left.
Open communication is the best way to navigate celibacy.
We don’t kiss. This is so we do not have anything that could lead to the next level. It is a very harsh rule but we are two years deep and it’s worked out great.
We also have accountability, accountability is having a group of people we can go to if we are feeling sexually weak, we communicate openly to them about where we are at and they advise us on how to go about it. Accountability has saved us countless of times. Sterling’s pastor is one of our main sources of accountability, but we have others friends that we can lean on when we may be feeling weak too.
One of the last things but most important things that has helped me is prayer. God knows me best. He is the one who knew me before I was formed in my mothers womb, if there is anyone who can help me navigate this journey.. it’s him. My vulnerability with God has gone to another level because I have had to lean on him with everything in me. I want to make it until our wedding day, Sterling and I have had our weak moments, but honestly honest conversations with each other and God has kept us going. We always have to remind ourselves, we are not doing this for us but for our own convictions and principles.
Prayer sometimes sounds like.. “GOD” I WANT TO SEX HIM RIGHT NOW.. IF YOU DON’T INTERVENE, ILL GET PREGNANT”. Having the opportunity to be raw with God, it gives me strength to honestly keep going.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me”
Celibacy is hard, but it’s possible. But you both need to be committed and you both have to honour that decision. We are two years deep and I know we will make it until the wedding day (Thank God we only have a few months to go lol) I am excited we have something to look forward too and I know we will look back and be happy that we never gave in.
I hope this blessed you and if you’re navigating your celibacy journey — get someone to hold you accountable. Trust me, it’ll help you so much
Praying this has given you a different perspective on what Celibacy means and hope that you can do it.
