Blending Our Family ft. Jade Tendo
Navigating a blended family has its challenges. It’s been almost 8 years since I met my husband, and we began the journey of dating each other. I was a single 23-year-old and a mother to a 3-year-old little girl named Kira.
My husband, Isaac had come to perform at my church as a guest.
I never knew him but instantly I felt drawn to him. I hated it. I didn’t want
to feel drawn to anyone. I had just found my balance being a single mother and my previous experiences of dating were just not worth the journey. After all, I had to consider my daughter who was and is still my world.
Anyone I would date would potentially be in her life also and I
knew that decision had to be thought through carefully and prayerfully. And so, I didn’t think I was really ready for that kind of engagement. (Even though, it was what I was praying for secretly — I had my doubts.)
The day we met at church Isaac had also met Kira however in a very informal manner. I later had to do a more personal introduction once our friendship had developed. Originally I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into having a blended family, for a while, I just wanted to stay
single. Dating…
It all seemed complicated, but I believed that God would give me a husband, a spiritual covering. Somehow, I knew my story wasn’t to be a single mother for very long.
My journey as a single mother was not an easy one, my first year I recall being very confused about what I really wanted.
I remember many times I felt so sad and so alone and like I would never have the family I prayed for. I was young, all my friends were graduating uni, starting off in their careers, going out and having fun and I had a huge responsibility that changed me. I couldn’t date anyone who couldn’t carry this weight of responsibility and so I would pray for a man who could come into our lives and be what was absent. What we needed was spiritual and this was my main focus in prayer.
Early in our growing relationship, we spent a lot of time having in-depth talks about life, past traumas, how we both came to Christ and what we see for the future and so it allowed us both to search beyond the surface of what we were looking for. We had put sexual intimacy
on a back bench from the start — as marriage was the only way we do alla dat. And so on many of our dates, we spoke about future prospects, family, dreams, purpose and God-given desires. We both really desired to work on ourselves individually as well as together as a couple and we knew from past experiences sex complicates things.
During the time of wedding prep, Isaac had just graduated from university, and I had begun a new job role and so I had less time to spend during the week with him. However, this was a perfect time to test out fatherhood. By now He and Kira had formed a really cute bond and enjoyed spending time together and so when the summer holidays came around he would take her out on little dates after preschool and to the park.
I would watch their interactions on videos he would send me and ask her how she felt about them in the evenings and it honestly just made me cry. It was happening!! It was serious… I was about to marry the love
of my life and God was showing me he was truly the man of my dreams. Everything felt so seamless it was scary.
We had discussed blending our family during our pre-marital counselling sessions and how Kira would adapt to now having a man living with her 24/7. I was probably more scared than either of them, but I had to just let things flow. Kira had a good relationship with her birth dad and so I didn’t really know how she would feel about having a stepdad.
Near to the wedding, we decided she would have a nickname for Isaac (an acronym that I came up with at work with a colleague) MODDY Which stood for “My Other Daddy”. Previous to this being in a place she called him Isaac which would make me uncomfortable every time (due to respect).
And so this seemed to work well for us all. She understood as I brought her along the journey, that I was soon to be married and Isaac would move in with us and we would become a family. She would gain another dad and I wouldn’t be just mummy anymore but His wife.
It was an ongoing journey, I learned, helping her to understand her new position as we became a family. But God led us through every moment.
By the time our wedding came around and it was time to physically blend, we had already built a form of pattern that worked for us and felt organic. We were a family!!
I’m sure any mama with similar experience would tell you, Blending isn’t always pretty. And there’s that awkward stage where your child is getting used to having your new partner around and they begin to challenge their authority. This happened both in the beginning stages of dating and engagement and even more, once we were married. I think helping her see that and Isaac was a team brought ease in many moments she began to
understand that if he says no, then mummy says no too.
She saw we were a unit, and that included her also.
Ultimately, I think it’s good to have a plan on how to blend but it’s something also that is so unpredictable as it involves many times the emotions of very small people and to some extent (in some cases) the ex-partners/Co-parents. Adaptation is the word I would tag to
Blending a family — It is required in so many moments, even as we began to expand our family and have our first child physically together, we had to adapt and assist Kira in her adapting also.
So I just encourage anyone who is on their journey currently of blending or desiring to blend their families; everyone’s journey looks different, and you will know what will work for you.
When there is no model to follow create your own. And remember to enjoy all the wild moments, the ups and the downs. Build and capture memories, and if you believe in God,
keep him at the centre always.
God Bless you on your Journey.
Jade Tendo
